Qualified Condition

August 4, 2008

Save a Life and be an A-hole

Filed under: Non Sequiters for $500 Alex — qualifiedcondition @ 4:20 pm

I found this while cleaning out my car yesterday.  No, it’s not a portable glory hole.  Sicko.  It’s a mouth guard for CPR “rescue breathing.”  Basically it’s a device used to save the lives of the unwashed proletariate in our midst. 

Honestly, this thing raises so many questions.  Can you care enough about saving a stranger but also be a big enough douchebag to say, “one moment while I unfold my plastic mouth guard because you look like someone with a case of the mouth herpes”?  Is this thing even likely to be onhand where anyone might actually need rescue breathing–is the assumption that everyday when you leave the house you’re going to be like “keys, wallet, phone…  plastic mouth guard”?

Friends, if I am unconscious and you find yourself rooting around in your pocket for one of these just go ahead and let me die.

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1 Comment »

  1. I recommend walking around with the lifequard style fanny pack with mouthguard, guaze, glucose tubes, bandaids, alcohol swabs and other first aid tools that you might find handy.
    You should also keep an automatic external defibulator nearby. And remember, if you automatically externally defibulating a hairy man or possibly a swarthy woman, be sure to shave their abdomen with the handy razor provided – ’cause no one wants to smell burnt hair and deal with a heart attack at the same time.

    Comment by Brother Chris — August 5, 2008 @ 10:51 pm


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