Qualified Condition

August 4, 2008

Uptight Perfectionist Stuffed Bell Peppers.

Filed under: Food — qualifiedcondition @ 1:20 am

Today’s recipe is authentic Italian stuffed bell peppers.  This recipe shows you exactly how an authentic Italian would prepare this popular dish.  If the authentic Italian’s had neurotic or alcoholic parents.




Ground beef

An egg


White onions

Brown rice

(Optional) Seasoned bread crumbs

Red peppers of course


First, cut the peppers in half length-wise and scrape all of the guts out.  As you pull the peppers out of their package damn yourself for buying them in a package which required carbon to be emitted into the atmosphere instead of at the local farmer’s market.  The world is ending and it’s your fault.  Blanche them in boiling water for four minutes or long enough for you to finally unload the top shelf of the dish washer… why did you let it sit so long, you’ve been looking for that spatula all week!  Take a deep breath and remember that Julia Childs said cooking should always involve love.  Not intense internal critique.  Open the wine.

In a bowl combine ground beef (though if you were healthier you would use ground turkey, besides, beef production reeks havoc on the environment too, what is with you?) a single egg the onions (feel free to caramelize them ahead of time), the cooked brown rice and the oregano.  You forgot the oregano.  God dammit, you forgot it last time and these things turned out horrible.  Stare at the bowl with a hollow expression and make comparisons in your head between the oregano and how you still haven’t paid that parking ticket and how in t-ball you always ran out to left field even though you were supposed to play right.  It’s always best to get deep into failures from early childhood for the peppers to taste their best.

Put down the wine and open the gin.  Remember that the Simpson’s are on and leave everything on the counter for a while.  You don’t need all this.

After a second glass of gin stuff the peppers with the meaty mixture.  Go ahead and use a bunch of other herbs promising not to relive any feelings whatsoever about the oregano.  Vow never to buy oregano and say something racist about Italians in general.  Place the peppers in the oven on a rack at 400 degrees.  Hurry up and clean all of the bowls and utensils that you just used, if they’re not clean by the time the peppers are done you’re never going to get that promotion at work.  Wait, is it better to use the dishwasher or to wash by hand?  Remind self to google that soon lest your damage more of the planet.

Remove peppers from oven and     enjoy.

Next week:  Nachos for the Cleptomaniacs!


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