Qualified Condition

August 24, 2008

No Kraut About It

Filed under: Food — qualifiedcondition @ 12:18 am

Last weekend I barbecued some sausages at my house.  Like any good white person with a Germanic sur name and some moderately ambivilant feelings about my ancestors… I sought out the food of my peoples. Rotten stinking horrible cabbage.  I mean sauerkraut.   Having never purchased my own jar of sauerkraut I found myself at the supermarket locked in what felt like a canned food conundrum.

 This is Kruegermann Kraut Salad.  The name sure sounds nordic but I don’t really know what Kraut Salad entails, and today this was not the day to find out.  Also the label-mural-thing looks like a guy on a gondola at first glance.  What is this, Italy?



 Hengstenberg Bavarian Style Sauerkraut has a lot going for it:  a name that looks more like a war between vowels and consonants than something meant to be uttered out loud, helpful photographs of food that may be served with kraut, and it seems to be made with wine.  Who doesn’t love German wine?  To me the blue and white diamond checks really sell it though–they  make me long to be embraced in the bosom of my Großmutter Gerlin.  Except I don’t have one.  And I just made a bad joke about breasts.  This blog is falling apart.  Next kraut…


 365 Organic Sauerkraut.  For me to be candid about my feelings for 365 Organic Sauerkraut takes this blog in a direction that I don’t want to go.  Suffice it to say Großmutter Gerlin would kick you in the balls if you bought this.  Seeing this product on the shelf nearly ruined my joyous kraut shopping experience.  Fortunately there was:


 Cosmic Cabbage.  Cosmic Cabbage is as though your Großmutter and the dude who made School House Rock got together to bring you bratwurst toppings.  The jar tells us in a “I’m just a bill, yes I’m only a bill” voice: “Look… It’s All Natural” (take that 365 Organic yuppies) and the thoughtful cabbage on the front ponders “It contains cabbage and sea salt so it’s good.”  Sea salt is hot right now you guys.  Spoiler alert, Cosmic Cabbage is currently in my fridge right now getting the soy milk and the baby carrots stoned and listening to Joni Mitchell.


 Eden Organic Sauerkraut, it’s nothing personal; I love your wider than normal jar and the illustrations of countless cabbage on the label to remind me that your contents are in fact made of leafy greens and not gym socks… it’s just that my life my love and my lady is Cosmic Cabbage.  Take care of yourself.



  1. Ha ha ha…I nearly peed in my pants. Because I have a very German aunt (well, her family came from Germany about 100 years ago, but don’t tell them that in Wisconsin–they like to pretend they’re still in the homeland). And she would’ve kicked you till you were unconscious if you had bought the wrong jar of kraut. She can make Mr. T quake in his shoes. She does make the tastiest beer brats I’ve ever had though. At least you Germans have bratwurst–we Swedes have lutefisk for those moments when we feel the silly urge to commune with our dead viking ancestors. And trust me, if you’ve ever had the misfortune to taste cod picked in lye (which was never meant to be ingested by living organisms), you will never get the memory–or stench–out of your mind.

    Comment by Emily — August 24, 2008 @ 7:34 pm

  2. next it will be pickled lard spread

    Comment by xie — August 24, 2008 @ 10:39 pm

  3. Lutefisk…”when we have the silly urge to commune with our dead viking ancestors (by eating their rotting remains).” Yuck.

    Comment by Brother Chris — August 25, 2008 @ 6:29 pm

  4. I want Cosmic Cabbage in my fridge.

    Comment by Rachel — September 4, 2008 @ 4:33 am

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