Qualified Condition

September 26, 2008

Gone Fishing

Filed under: Retirement Flyers — qualifiedcondition @ 8:31 pm

I haven’t been posting much lately, it seems that things have gotten a little busy.  And by “busy” I mean I have been using every spare moment that I have to kill the millions of ants that invade my house each day and then clean up their little ant carcasses which is gross.*  Especially at seven o’clock in the morning.  This morning they were attacking a house plant.  The ant version of I-5 was running from the sidewalk to my kitchen to attack a potted plant.  What the F? 

I digress.  It’s Friday, and we’re supposed to do retirement flyers.  I’ve noticed recently that many offices around here have discovered “word processing” and “desktop publishing” and “clip art” which has made for some rather sterile pre-fab flyers which I probably won’t be showing you ever.  Fortunately the fire department is keeping it old school with hand drawings and glue sticks and a copy machine.  Wouldn’t you love to see what a hand drawing of you done by one of your co-workers would look like?  No?  That’s the nightmare from which you wake up screaming?  Oh, okay.  Well I think this one is pretty cool, in particular because it fulfills an important obligation that retirement flyers seem to have:  show every hobby and personal interest that this person has ever mentioned having.  Evan here seems to like skiing and fishing and innertubing and teddy bears.  Maybe he doesn’t like teddy bears and just mentioned once that they’re okay and then for the next eight years all he got was teddy bear crap for birthdays and Christmas.  Have I ever shown you my collection of coffee beans and gift cards and brewing accessories?

Sorry, back to Evan.  This practice tells us that retirement is all about doing your hobbies all day every day and it makes for a much more visually arresting flyer than Evan watching daytime TV and learning to talk to the wife in complete sentences and bail the kids out of complex financial situations which is probably a more accurate representation of what retirement is like.  Nevertheless I hope he’s having a blast.

*”And by ____ I mean _____” can be used 8 more times before it is officially dead.  Use them wisely.

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7 Comments »

  1. The bear in question is actually the UCLA Bruin. 🙂

    Comment by Jen Graham — September 26, 2008 @ 11:02 pm

  2. I don’t think “bruin” is a word. That’s definitely a teddy bear.

    Comment by qualifiedcondition — September 26, 2008 @ 11:39 pm

  3. I’ll take any extra coffee beans and gifts cards if you don’t want them! 🙂

    Comment by Úna — September 27, 2008 @ 4:39 pm

  4. Evan has a very interesting expression in that likeness, one I am sure he was pleased to have plastered all over municipal corridors throughout the city. And by “interesting” I mean it looks like he just threw-up and is know ashamedly looking around to see if anyone has noticed.

    Comment by Brother Chris — September 27, 2008 @ 8:15 pm

  5. 1) Dangling fishhooks mixed with either skiing or inner tubes would be dangerous. All three at once seems like a recipe for disaster.

    2) June 4, 2007? Was this still up at the office, or were you saving it for a special occasion? Either one is a little weird.

    Comment by Bret — September 28, 2008 @ 12:39 am

  6. pertaining to your ant problem, i suggest the following three step process to facilitate your hymenoptera holocaust :

    1.) sprinkle a 20/80 combination of sugar and baking soda. baking soda will kill your current infestation, and the sugar entices them to eat it.

    2.) use a pet stain remover which has enzymes in it that will break down the chemical I5 bridge they’ve built to your plant. you’ll want to spray along their whole path.

    3.) spray a 50/50 solution of vinegar and water around the plant to keep any of the stragglers out of the area. the vinegar screws up their olfactory sense.

    …no shit.

    Comment by sam — September 29, 2008 @ 6:03 pm

  7. @ Sam: I went ahead and burned the house down, but I’ll hang onto this chemical cake recipe for next time, thanks!

    @ Bret: If it’s weird to have a drawer full of old retirement flyers that I snag from elevator lobbies when I hope no one is looking then I don’t want to be unweird.

    Comment by qualifiedcondition — September 29, 2008 @ 8:29 pm


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