Qualified Condition

December 10, 2008

You’re Hired!

Filed under: Non Sequiters for $500 Alex — qualifiedcondition @ 6:53 am

Today I went to Office Depot to buy some pens on my lunch break.  Well it wasn’t really a lunch break; I ate at my desk again because an actual sit-down lunch with utensils and not a phone ringing seems like a risky venture.  It’s possible that long range land use planning is just as critically important as emergency room medicine or flying commercial aircraft over dense metropolitan areas and I really need to be at my desk at all times to make sure another drive-thru Starbucks doesn’t get approved.  Or it’s possible that I need to recommit myself to the belief that not having a lunch break makes Jack a complete wanker.  Anyway, I digress.  Pens.  I needed to buys some because we don’t have any in the third world office building where I work.  And by “don’t have any” I mean “there is one box hidden in the emergency supply cupboard and it’s the crappy blue Bic kind where you can compulsively pull the butt-end out with your thumbnail if you happen to be the slightest bit OCD (which is a serious affliction, you guys).  I kinda fancy the Uniball Vision Fine Point which is perhaps a little fancy for our meager municipal budget, what with so many potholes to fill. (By the way, for some real pen neurosis, check out my new favorite blog.)  So it was on my way to find pens that I stumbled across these little gems.

Apparently one must consider a broad range of ethnic and socioeconomic factors when attempting to market resume paper.  I would have killed to be in on that staff meeting:  “How do we target the young artistic African-American woman who might be looking for a job and the seasoned but optimistic middle aged business dude?  Simple, we create a different package of resume paper for everyone.  Eager ex-sorority grad student looking for a killer internship, here’s your paper.  Schizophrenic trailer park mom with neck tattoos and two boys named Lyle, here’s your paper.  It’s essential that we market this paper to each and every individual because if we simply write “Resume Paper” some might be tempted to consider that “Resume Paper” and “Paper” are the same damn thing.

Which resume paper would you buy?

photo1

First off, imma call you Tiffany.  Or maybe Tiffani.  When I was young I was told that it was rude to put your elbows on the table.  I think that rule applied to dinner, but I think that it should apply to document preparation too.  Or updating your Facebook.  I have no idea what you’re doing back there and I think that sitting your head on your fist like that gives you arthritis or rickets or carpel-tunnel syndrome or something.  Look what it did to “The Thinker,” stiff as a rock.  We don’t need another workman’s comp suit around here Tiff4ny.

photo-1

Now, Chase Martin (yours is one of those soap opera names that must always be said in completion) I believe that if you had more thoroughly read last month’s issue of How to Dress Yourself for Work you would recall that not having a tie dimple under your knot is more of a deal breaker than having a felony under your belt.  Also, you can’t fool me with your upward looking glances.  You’re trying to appear as though you are casually but purposefully looking into the future, considering the leaps and bounds with which you will lead our workplace, but I think we both know you’re really counting acoustic ceiling tiles.  16, 84, 2, 211.  There, now you have to start over.

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If you promise that next time you will bedazzle us with a sweater that actually has sequins as opposed to keeping the two as separate garments, then I promise that you’ll have yourself a pretty sweet gig keeping second-rate writing instruments completely hidden in strategic locations throughout this 1950’s bomb shelter we call an office.  Please just always have that soothing “I’m on it” smile so that I can go outside and eat with the civilized people.

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I’m not sure how your skills as perpetual screenwriter with a reserved outdoor table at the local Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf have prepared you for a job at this very prestigious firm.  We sell Resume Muffins.  They are much like regular muffins, except they have some very special packaging.  Also they require that you not show up for work looking like your girlfriend lost the “have you thought about shaving your ‘beard'” discussion again.  Oh, and could you please give the previous candidate her bracelet back?

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5 Comments »

  1. resume paper. sheesh.

    Comment by xie — December 10, 2008 @ 8:38 pm

  2. the one with the ‘free cd’ inside…oh, wait. shit.

    Comment by sam — December 10, 2008 @ 9:03 pm

  3. Thanks for the link love QC! 🙂

    Comment by dowdyism — December 11, 2008 @ 1:34 am

  4. That dude’s not a Chase. Chases are more dashing and wreckless.

    Comment by L. Hollyfeld — December 16, 2008 @ 12:40 am

  5. By the way, I also “take lunch” at my desk frequently and feel a little guilty about it. I would rather live with the guilt than talk to another living person ever again during my lunch break, though.

    Comment by L. Hollyfeld — December 16, 2008 @ 2:31 am


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