Qualified Condition

February 17, 2009

Crack Your Bones

Filed under: Uncategorized — qualifiedcondition @ 12:32 am

First things first. It is Presidents’ Day which means that I am not working because the government says I don’t have to.  Most of the day has been spent as a “wives day” (ask me about the origin of the phrase another time, it’s a good one!), mopping floors and washing  duvans and what not.  Now I am at Cafe de Leche on York which is that coffee shop on York I told you about.  For the longest time I was worried that they weren’t going to make it, and I believed that my well wishes and enthusiastic purchases were keeping them afloat.  Now that I am here in the middle of they day–and there is no where to sit, and the place is wall-to-wall beards and scarves–my feelings have changed.  But I didn’t log in here to give you a self-hating-hipster post.  I logged in here to warn you.  Warn you about massages.

On Valentines Day Kenny and I decided to go to a spa.  Hallmark says it’s a day for lovers and I had just heard this Benedictine thing about the importance of having quality personal time, so a spa day seemed good and right.  I won’t bore you with details from the overall spa experience (because I don’t really want to invite you to picture me nekked in a steamy room full of pudgy Asian business men, that’s just awkward), I’ll just say that it was nice and relaxing.  But I will tell you that the conclusion of the day involved an acupressure massage from a swarthy Korean woman named Connie.  And that she is mean.

To be fair, when one’s English vocabulary is limited to “up,” “down,” and “pain?” there’s bound to be some limits to an effective massage therapist/victim relationship.  Nevertheless I will say that every joint and bone in my body was cracked.  Things were bent into directions that would make my Yoga instructor feel queasy.  At one point I think she tried to strangle me while my head was in the little face-hole thing.  And the whole time (47 minutes exactly) I was at a constant war within my head “Relax, this is supposed to be relaxing, you don’t need to tell her she’s hurting you, maybe it’s supposed to hurt, why can’t you breathe..?”

Oddly enough, following the murder attempt I felt very relaxed and limber.  Yay Connie.



  1. “acupressure” – I wonder what that translates to in Korean.

    Comment by Elsa Koob — February 17, 2009 @ 12:53 am

  2. funny- i had suggested this very same thing for us on Valentines and didn’t actually do it. where’d you go? would you recommend it?

    Comment by xie — February 17, 2009 @ 4:23 am

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