Qualified Condition

February 22, 2009

Greetings from Michigan!

Filed under: Uncategorized — qualifiedcondition @ 4:08 am

We’ve been here in St. Claire Shores, a suburb of Detroit for a few days now, and it has been a really wonderful trip.  There is something that is pretty amazing about meeting the family that is responsible for the person that you love.  I have met parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, uncles, aunts, nieces, etc. etc. and while I might be on stimulus overload at this point, I have had a lot of fun and felt very welcome.  Evidently people of Italian decent like to all “be in the same room at the same time” and “talk to their cousins” which I thought was just a myth propagated by the pasta sauce industry, but it’s true.  I don’t want to get all overly-shary about the family time though (it has been pretty awesome) but I do want to share a few things that I’ve learned about life in the Great Lake state.

When one is speaking of geographic locations within the lower penisula it is, evidently, necessary to hold up one’s hand in the shape of a mitten and point at different spots.  For instance Detroit is down by your left hand thumb knuckle.  Traverse City is up by your ring finger nail.  But really, why on earth would you go up to your ring finger nail, because it’s -12 fucking degrees up there?  When I return to California I am going to start pointing to my bent leg when I need to give directions.

Michiganders are engaged in a lifelong quest to “finish” the basement.  Most homes have a giant room under them for storage and freebasing cocaine, but at the heart of all dwellers of the great left-hand-state is a desire to bring carpet and acoustic ceiling tiles to this room.

When riding in the car on snowy icy roads, grabbing the dashboard with white knuckles when the car slides around will probably make you look like a big pussy in front of your prospective mother in law.

Your sinuses are supposed to feel like they are lined with Elmer’s Glue–this is a sign that you are in a heated room and not outside and frozen.

I’d like to tell you more about the trip later, like when I’m back at work and have a ton of free time; so stay tuned and have a lovely day.



  1. Dave and i would appreciate it if you would write a book so that we could buy it and read it. All the proceeds could go to your future mother-in-law to help finish her basement in the thumb knuckle of Michigan. Or take all the cousins to Olive Garden (tell me that myth is true too!)

    Comment by Jessie — February 22, 2009 @ 6:19 am

  2. when do you guys get back to the calf of california? we can all “be in the same room at the same time” at our house! i’ll make mostacholi!

    Comment by dave rupert — February 22, 2009 @ 7:05 pm

  3. Awesome. Let’s have dinner when you’re back in town. We can attempt an authentic italian meal?

    Comment by Holly — February 22, 2009 @ 9:57 pm

  4. my favourite term that i learned from michiganders is “upers” (pronounced: yoo-pers), referring to people that live in upper michigan. why they pronounce it that way, i will never know.

    Comment by xie — February 22, 2009 @ 11:31 pm

  5. I have referred to the Eastern Sierras as “the elbow of California,” but I think the leg analogy has potential too. We’re what, upper ankle?

    Comment by Cheryl — February 27, 2009 @ 2:28 am

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