Qualified Condition

February 24, 2009

Down Below Down Below

Filed under: Uncategorized — qualifiedcondition @ 6:33 am

So more about that trip to Detroit.  The theme was family, my man’s got a lot of family in the Rock City.  Most of the relatives are on the maternal side of the family and so there is a distinct and common “we love to party and have fun” Italian vibe.  However, one afternoon we had the chance to drive out and meet the paternal grandparents.  They’re German.  Germans like to build machines and build clean white rooms with no furniture.  And Sprockets.  I loved them too, but it was a decidedly different vibe.  Pickles on a crystal plate, efficiently rationed tuna salad, one-at-a-time talking.

When I returned from a trip to the bathroom I was told across the table by an older sister, “This is probably inappropriate for me to tell you but you…”  Wait, hold on.  Let me set that up better.  Dining table, white carpet, the sound of clinking utensils on plates dominates the room, german 87-year-old grandma two seats over, 93-year old grandpa next seat over.  Roller-set-french twist up-do on grandma (google it)… skip to,  “This is probably inappropriate for me to tell you but you have a really tight ass; you have a really round tight ass.”*  Go ahead and picture mouths half open, forks stopped mid-motion, etc.  

Following the initial shock, and the realization that ass comments do not in-fact induce cardiac arrest in a 87-year-old catholic woman, my badonkadonk becomes the subject of every joke for the rest of the day.

Now let’s fast forward to the parents’ finished basement party the same evening.  But first let me comment again on the finished basement subject; I poked fun at the subject in a previous post.  However, I have decided that “finishing” the basement is a visible commitment to entertaining.  It’s like building your own banquet hall so that all your friends know where to party–which is pretty rad.  Anyway, there was a huge party in the basement, and as we were cleaning up I notice a big blue smear on the newly painted drywall.  A big blue over-dyed blue denim smear, of the variety made by a disproportionately large posterior.


I ask you, does painting butt art on your boyfriend’s family’s house help people stop making jokes about your huge ass?

*I promise never to speak of this subject again.



  1. Now is the time on Sprockets when we dance. How does one respond to such an inappropriate compliment? The reaction I imagine from you is silence followed by “thank you,” possibly a witty quip, and an attempt to change the topic.

    Comment by Lazlo — February 24, 2009 @ 2:32 pm

  2. omg. wow hahaha

    Comment by xie — February 24, 2009 @ 9:36 pm

  3. I sympathize. It’s both a blessing and a curse.

    Comment by Amy — February 25, 2009 @ 12:07 am

  4. It must be nice to know that you made an impression?

    Comment by Elsa Koob — February 25, 2009 @ 3:27 am

  5. And I thought it was awkward when my 75-year-old landlord told me I looked pretty without my glasses.

    I wish the NEA still funded butt art.

    Comment by Cheryl — February 27, 2009 @ 2:32 am

  6. First blog I read after wakeup from sleep today!

    Proven! How to cure Acne Naturally.Email to mike.wilson80@ymail.com for more information.

    Comment by Mike — March 3, 2009 @ 8:51 pm

    • Badical! Something tells me your name isn’t “Mike.”

      Comment by qualifiedcondition — March 4, 2009 @ 5:02 am

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